Oscars rehash: ’98, Year of Thinking Big

The debate still rages. What's bigger: The Titanic or James Cameron's ego Some career advice overheard on New Year's Eve 1997/98 that shaped movies for the next decade. Unfortunately, not all the advice was heeded:

To Leonardo DiCaprio: Leo, baby, we know you can act -- you've even got an Oscar nomination from What's Eating Gilbert Grape to prove it. But you've got a problem, and it isn't that you weren't nominated for Titanic. Worse, the movie is so successful that now you're the subject at every 13-year-old girl's presexual fantasy. Studios are to going to want you for every overwrought romance that's pitched. You've got a choice:  pinup boy or actor. Here's an idea, and we're just trying to think out of the box, so don't blame us if it doesn't actually work. Turn down the offers, even those -- and they'll be big -- to make another movie with Kate until you're both much older. Then make a movie so depressing these tweeners who love you now will give up on love entirely. Instead, hook up with really good directors who are ready to make some of their worst movies. This guy Boyle who made the movie with the guy being swallowed by a toilet a couple years ago wants to make a movie about some Lord of the Flies freaks who live on an island in Thailand or somewhere. It's got death and guns and torturing, it's miserable and doesn't make a bit of sense. It's perfect. Also, Martin Scorsese's trying to make this three-hour movie , $100-million period piece about gangs in the 1830s. It's sure to miss. And Woody Allen's about to hit another slump, so give him a call. You'll spend five years working with good directors in relative obscurity, you'll be praised by critics for your daring, if unfortunate, choices, and when you emerge, the tweeners will be in college and barely remember you. Then you can go back to making good movies again.

To Kate Winslet: You're gorgeous, Katie, don't change a thing. Don't let them talk you into losing 10 pounds, because 10 pounds turns into 20 pounds turns into 30 pounds, and before you know it, we'll hardly recognize you. Men love you, even though they won't necessarily admit it. Women love you, too, because you look real, but this could be a bit of a problem. Actresses that women like seem to have very uninteresting careers, because all Hollywood knows to do for women is make romantic comedies. Popular actresses are contractually relegated to supporting roles and romantic comedies when they turn 32 (or 35, with good plastic surgery) unless they're named Meryl Streep. Be bold. Make a movie with Harvey Keitel that no one will see. Dye your hair blue and bring out the best in Jim Carrey. Stay you and avoid the temptation to ever appear in another movie with Hugh Grant, otherwise you'll just join Sandra Bullock and Renee Zellweger trying to outcute one another.

To Ben Affleck: Don't take it personally. Matt's getting all the credit because he was the star of the movie, and so what if some people think he actually wrote the screenplay, not you. The rest of us all really know Bill Goldman wrote the thing, anyway. So, Matt's getting all the attention right now, but don't overreact. You had a big movie this year, too, with Chasing Amy; sure, in a few years it will have diminished considerably in stature and look more like a fanboy's fantasy about kissing a lesbian who looks like Joey Lauren Adams, but you held that together, dude, that was all you. Well, really it was Joey, but you were there, too; people will remember that. And you know what? You were good in Good Will Hunting. Matt and Robin are getting all the attention, but, brother, you were dead on as the pompous best friend who's jealous but trying hard not to look jealous of his more-talented buddy. How did you do that? Anyway, the temptation is there to take the big money with the safe movies, star in bunch of overblown action movies just because you're being promised sweet midsummer release dates or play with animal crackers on screen because it seems cute on paper. As hard at is, follow your buddy Matt for a little while; he seems to get it. Think small, do the art pictures, for now anyway. Oh, and if you Jennifer Lopez coming your way, turn, don't walk, but run the other way.

To Matt Damon: So what if Jack Nicholson wins by playing on obsessive-compulsive version of Jack Nicholson? He wins because he's Jack. Part of his deal for those front-row tickets at the ceremony and the witty banter with the host is he gets to win at least one Oscar every decade. Since he missed out with Batman and A Few Good Men, he had to win for this; time was running out. You were better, Matt, we all know it. But you're in the big time now, you're a star and you have options: You could make a series of romantic comedies or romantic dramas with your choice of hot starlets: Liv Tyler, Gwyneth Paltrow, Sandra Bullock, you name it, and star in a series of big-budget summer blockbusters from directors who love cowboy boots and explosions. Or . .. another option would be to take a handful of small roles, maybe play an awkward, possibly gay sociopath con man. You could try action movies, maybe comedy, too, if you really want, but avoid movies with throw-away one-liners and whatever you do, don't make a movie with Bruce Willis. Also, you might have to try to avoid Ben Affleck; that guy's trouble.

To George Lucas: Loved the re-releases, George. Loved them. Sure, Jabba looked a little, uh, smaller than I remembered him in that extra scene you threw into Episode IV -- not really sure how a fat blob with no legs gets to be the most ruthless gangster in the galaxy, but I'm sure you knew what you were doing, just like when you cast Mark Hamill and created the Ewoks. In any case, it was fun seeing those movies back on the big screen again, and yes, we know, it's time. They've been Episode IV, V and VI for ages now. I, II and III are going to happen, and you've been dying, just dying to get back behind the camera. But, George, come on, it's been 20 years since you've directed a movie. You didn't even direct two of the Star Wars movies. The last time you directed a movie, John Belushi was not only alive, he hadn't even been in a movie. Are you sure you're ready? Here's thought: you turned to some good young writer/directors to help you with Empire and Jedi; why not try that again? Frank Darabont -- you remember him; you worked together on Young Indy -- is doing some encouraging work (he probably learned everything from you, George, right?) and he has some really interesting ideas about where to take the next trilogy. Or, you know, this Peter Jackson kid out of New Zealand has been itching to make a trilogy of some sort. Maybe you guys should talk? We know you'll do what's best -- it would be shame to tarnish your legacy this late in the game. And when you're done with these movies, go meet your neighbors in Northern California, have Francis show you how to make wine, and enjoy your golden years. No more franchises for you to revive. We found out Indy was named after his dog and that his dad was Sean Connery. It's not like he had any kids or anything. Two words for you George: Alien skulls. Ha, you know we're only kidding. Right? George?

To James Cameron: You were right, Jim, you were right. On behalf of the entire world, we acknowledge that. Titanic is the biggest thing in movie history, at least until you come up with the next biggest thing. All those people who had those headlines ready to go -- Titanic sinks again, Cameron's ship hits an iceberg, Disaster movie -- are eating shit now, and it's all because of you. I know, I know, you really want to get up there when you win those Oscars and really rub in how right you were. But, really, Jim, are you sure that's the way to go? Here's another idea: grace and humility. Let's face it, you don't make a lot of movies, so it might be a couple years -- even four or five -- before you have something out. Do you really want the last thing people remember you for in this millennium is that you were some sort of egomaniac? That's not you, Jim, we all know it. Anyway, think about it.

What should have won: It's been more than 10 years now, and I'm still surprised when I say this: I didn't hate Titanic. Was it $1.8 billion good? Not even close, but it's an interesting movie with good actors making the best of a pretty thin screenplay. It was a bold idea and it was executed as a watchable movie, unlike, say Pearl Harbor or Armageddon or really anything by Michael Bay, who began masquerading as James Cameron in the decade-long absence between Jimbo's movies. But Best Picture? It's one of those movies that no matter how hard you try, no matter loud you screen, no matter what cogent and convincing arguments you make is still to going to win Best Picture.

I still prefer two of the other nominees: L.A. Confidential and Good Will Hunting. At the time, I was rooting heavily for L.A. Confidential. While it's held up pretty well over the years, I don't feel as strongly as I once did, although it's amusing to see Russell Crowe before he was Big Bad Russell Crowe. Good Will Hunting has endured much better than I suspected it would back then. At the time, it was a novelty written by two nobody actors directed by a guy who made small movies for small audiences. It's lasted as solid character piece with strong performances all around, and it introduced the world to Damon and the talented Affleck, Ben's brother Casey. Also, it reminded everyone that when you manage to restrain Robin Williams, his pent-up energy can come out in really unexpected ways.

As Good As It Gets was an overrated and disappointing movie from James Brooks, who has never received proper credit for or been as good since Broadcast News.

The Full Monty was just happy to be nominated.

Better movies that got screwed: The Sweet Hereafter. Atom Egoyan did score a Best Director nomination, but look-on-the-bright-side movies like As Good As it Gets and The Full Monty pushed this meditation on sadness out of the Best Picture race. Waiting For Guffman isn't as good as Christopher Guest's later mockumentaries Best In Show and A Mighty Wind, but also shouldn't have been completely ignored. Donnie Brasco, Jackie Brown and Boogie Nights also got a little screwed.

Worst award: Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt each winning for As Good As It Gets. Any of other nominees for Best Actor -- Damon, Dustin Hoffman (Wag The Dog), Robert Duvall (The Apostle) or Peter Fonda (Ulee's Gold) -- would have been better choices. Same goes for Best Actress; everyone else was better, even Kate Winslet, who shouldn't have been punished for having so little to work with.